Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
