Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
