Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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