A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
