I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
