i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Are we still banned from the library?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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