Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
