Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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