I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
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