The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Randomize
