Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
