your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize
