His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
