Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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