Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
