apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
