I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
