He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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