i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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