I want to have your abortion
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
