i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
