I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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