Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
i think im in europe. pls send help
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
