WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
