It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
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