so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
