Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
