I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
