mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
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