Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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