so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
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