i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
