If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
