Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
