Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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