I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
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