The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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