I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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