If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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