we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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