"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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