I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
