My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
