So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
