If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Randomize
