ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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