Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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