I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I touched a dick in church today
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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