this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
