Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
