A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
