none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
