she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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