he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
